I Want to Date Rihanna by Andre Mayers

I've been missing in action for sometime. So when I got tagged in this post by a Bajan (Barbadian) friend, Andre, I thought maybe I could assist with his belief  "in the six degrees of separation, and of the people I tagged in this blog, one of wunna gotta know a friend of a friend of a cousin who used to go to cadets with Rihanna."  Now Andre has me agreeing "it's so good being bad!"

I Want to Date Rihanna
by Andre Mayers
As I write this blog, I am sitting and watching the S&M video… again and again. I will readily admit to you, then when Rihanna first hit the airwaves with ‘Pon de Reply’ I was neither here nor there. I did not connect to her music and it did nothing for me… however, Americans and the world loved her, so more power to her. But this new Rihanna… I cannot get enough of. I like the sexiness, I like the edgy nature of her approach, and most of all, I like the way she looks into the camera and winks at me everytime she performs. Fuk what yall think, she winks at ME with an unmistakable wutlesness. And everytime she winks at me, I get the feeling that she is telling me ‘yes, Mumford, I am half as wutless as you are’ (the reason I say half as wutless, is because if she was ever as wutless as I am, her music videos would only be allowed on Cinemax and HBO after 2am on Friday and Saturday nights.)

That being said.. I would ring a bite in Rihanna. Now to most of my American friends who might haphazardly stumble across this blog and wonder if this feeling of mine is homage to my ancestors namely the Arawaks and Caribs (of which I was never sure Barbados fell under), please believe that what I just said above about biting Rihanna is equivalent to the whispering of sweet nothings in her ear. It qualifies as romanticism, and quite frankly, I hope she somehow reads this blog and blushes while twirling that red hair of hers while thinking 'barely let me pooch back on you Mumford, lemmie see if alla that was big talk'

See, when most people embark upon a degree, they have lofty dreams of somehow impacting a community with their career, or somehow making their family proud of their accomplishments. Me? As I do each night course towards my degree, I know it is purely because eventually I want to make enough money to be on Rihanna’s radar. True some might say that money does not buy love, but lets be honest, what are the chances of me at my current status, being at a function with Rihanna where I can walk up to her without having a bouncer put me in a headlock? Very minimal, I'm aware. True she was at the boxing day lime when I was in Barbados this Christmas, but she was flanked with body guards who I am sure could take me.

Having said that, my plan is simple, be on her radar, be invited to the same event as she is, and approach her in an unguarded moment and ask her one simple question… ‘my fren, whu you bout?’. My intent is that throughout all of the posh and snotty atmosphere, she would look at me, consider my fairly rash and unpolished question and think to herself ‘this man use to catch van, and this man wukup pun nuff springer girls before… this is my type’. Or 'I am pretty sure I have seen him on the Ellerton/Greens/St.Judes bus route' (on which I was)

I caught wind of the rolling stones interview, and I know she likes to be considered ‘someone’s girl’ I think she said, and I am prepared to be that guy. Given her past dating record, or at least the ones I know about, all I have to compare myself to is that baseballer, and Chris Brown.

With regards to the baseballer, I know Rihanna sat and watched every one of his games and thought to herself ‘this is square pelting and cow swiping… why the hell am I here?’. And as far as Chris Brown goes, as much as good dancer as he is, all of the crunking and poping and locking that he does, has he ever grabbed her waistline, put one hand on her shoulder, and went to town on her while ‘Bedroom Bully’ by Shabba Ranks was playing?? Or Punany Invention?? Hell to the no. I would relish in the opportunity to do such while taking a pic of it and sending to him with the caption ‘look at me now’. That ought to make him scratch his head.

So treat this as my recommendation to Rihanna, this is why you should consider going out with me ...

I agree that your lifestyle and my lifestyle are worlds apart, nights that you might want to go out and paint the town red, I might have to be honest and tell you that I have homework due the next day. 

I do not have an excellent body, quite frankly it could do with some work, but I guarantee you that when I get some drinks in me and I start pelting waist, you would realize the joys of having a belly to hold on to for both support and safe refuge. 

Seeing that I am Barbadian as well you are free to say ‘gawblen’ and ‘whu de rasshole’ around me, those words do not confuse me. Actually, the likely retort from me given this circumstance will be ‘but she could only be a cunt in trute’

We might not work in the long run, but I guarantee that you will have the time of your life, and as we date, and as tabloids search for news about me, I guarantee that the stories they find wont be worth publishing. As shady as my past might have been, I am sure it is not documented. Having said that, you and I are free to make our own stories.

Let's not be confused, I write this blog with no disrespect or intent to embarrass the girl, quite the opposite. I believe in the six degrees of separation, and of the people I tagged in this blog, one of wunna gotta know a friend of a friend of a cousin who use to go to cadets with Rihanna. As she reads this, I hope she blushes uncomfortably and thinks to herself ‘this boy ain't got no broughupsy’ cus quite frankly Robyn (yes I jus said Robyn, that is me getting intimate), my mother tried her best with me til I was 14 and then gave up and left me to my own devices.

I will eagerly await some sort of reply that lets me know you have read this.

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